Miss Crabby

Wednesday, 20 February 2008, 10.00 PM, ruang kerja tante, abis pulang koor. Di tengah keterombang-ambingan mau ngeblog ato main dota and kick some Scourge heroes’ bottoms or (mostly) be kicked in the bottom by the Scourge heroes whose bottoms I wanted to kick, akhirnya memutuskan utk ngeblog ajah…kegiatan yg membutuhkan mood yg mulai langka timbulnya belakangan ini.

Mo membahas apa aja yah, lupa… Padahal tadi topik2 begitu penuhnya di kepala…

Sunday, 10 February 2007, 11.00 AM, Arion Mall’s McDonald. Kita (aku dan Den) ketemuan sama temen kantor lamanya Den, Carla. I think she used to be a pretty close friend of Den (and I hope still is), so I gotta meet her. Oh and not to mention, also because she is one of a very few commentor on this very blog of mine

So we met. She wore a cute hat (where did you get that??), and a lovely flowery casual dress that I think I would not fit so greatly into, unfortunately.

She was quite different compared to her pictures. She was very beautiful. When I said that to Den, he just laughed and said smth like “Whaat?” (sorry Carla, you know how he is like). But nevermind him, everybody else who meets you, would totally agree with my opinion. You rock!!!

The meeting lasted an hour later. I had to go to an Aqiqah invitation. Aqiqah is an event where you celebrate the birth of your new-born with feast. When I first got the invitation email, I thought Aqiqah was the name of the baby Okay, so the mother is a colleage of mine, and the baby’s name is Mika (the short of ‘Mikail’). I went there with some other colleagues.

I pretty much forgot what happened in-between, but I wanna leap back to today

I just had a choir session this evening, without Den, because he still had a lot of work loads to do. I can’t say I’m a good singer (because I’m obviously not), but I think I have improved a lot compared to my first sessions 4 years ago wkwkwkwk I’m comparing irrelevantly Oh well, that was just a self-cheering-up, no problems with that right? *mumbles, mumbles*

Anyway what was interesting, despite of the beautiful songs about Christ’s salvation, was what I thought about the tenor soloist. He actually had a pretty good voice, but he sang it flat, I mean like pop-singing style. How do you say this… hmmm… you know, the voice you use when you speak, that kinda flatness. While to sing in choirs means you must sing with Pavarotti style or smth like that. You do get what I’m saying, right? Soo this soloist guy, couldn’t yet sing like that (I couldn’t do it fluently also, but I wasn’t the soloist, so the attention wont be laid upon me ), but I think he already got a very nice and high flat basic voice, he just needed a few trainings. However, that kind of performance still did trigger some other unsatisfied thoughts. Like after the session, an older male singer said “we’ll be performing soon, yet the soloist was still chillin’ around, hadn’t practice much yet” (judging from the flatty voice). I was thinking like “hell no.. I bet he practiced a lot, because he’s obviously improving since his last sessions with us. Yes, it was still flat, but better.”

The point of the story is, I am staggered how some people could be so unsatisfied of other’s effort. I’ve been thinking about this lately, because I ran into a person that happens to be a true believer of this unsatisfactorial thingy. Once I was like this person, well maybe not too much. I expected people around me to behave, and think, and act as I wanted them to (of course I wasn’t trying to be a puppet master or smth, all my expectations were normal). I also used to criticize a lot of people’s performance. But then I asked myself, why the hell do I keep blabbing about their defects? Can I do it better than them? I might even not be able to do it at all, or not even close. I think they deserve compliments for all their efforts and tryouts. I think they deserve second chances, and the relief of knowing that everything in this world being not a single-shot matter was not only a make-belief.

And I think these criticizing, compliment-cheap, and not-easily-satisfied habits aren’t a very good thing, they’re discouraging. It’s okay to expect others to fulfill our standards, but only if we’re sure they make sense and are achievable, and don’t forget to give them a break

Hmm dapet judul itu terinspirasi dari lagunya Five for fighting yg judulnya The Riddle.

…
Did you learn anything cause in the world today
You can’t live in a castle far away
Now talk to me, come talk to me
…

kalo ada yg nanya kenapa mesti castle? dasar glamor. ya udah aku tambahin shack biar miris. happy now? penekanannya ada pada kata far away nya kok )

I…so suck at communicating. Aku tuh model2nya orang yg kalo ada tamu dateng ke rumah, kabur ke loteng, karena males ngomong. Aku serumah sama tante om ku pun, aku jarang banget ngomong sm mereka. Dalam bbrp hari berturut2 belum tentu aku ngmg sepatah kata pun, termasuk mereka jg gitu ke aku. Kebanyakan sih karena jarang ketemu dan sekalinya ketemu pun cuma selintas doang, ato gak ada bahan pembicaraan. Aku model orang yg kalo senyum sama orang cuma sbg aksesori, daripada dituduh jutek.

Sebenernya bukannya mau menjauhkan diri ato sok, krn sbnrnya aku jg super cerewet bagi beberapa orang. Tapi ke sebagian orang lainnya, emg susah banget mau ngomong. Ngomong apa yah?? Basa basi apa yah? Gak ada topik, membingungkan.

Bbrp hari lalu, ponakannya om dateng ke rumah, namanya Stefan seumuran aku kyknya. Orangnya modelnya ceria, friendly, loving. Begitu tante om dateng, langsung dipelukin n diciumin ama dia. Aku jd mikir… tante om pasti seneng banget ada yg nunjukkin kasih sayang n perhatian begitu, secara smua anaknya (2 orang) ada di luar negri masuk seminari (utk jadi pastur), pasti mereka kesepian banget. Dan bukannya aku blm pernah mikirin itu jg, ya aku tau… I wish I could be like Stefan. Loving and caring and so warm towards others, mgkn keponakan spt itu yg diharapkan om n tante yg tinggal di rumah mereka, instead of somebody so cold, awkward, and wordless like me.

Trus tadi pagi juga, mamanya Den telp. hhh aku keduluan. Seharusnya aku dong yg lbh berusaha utk seek communication dgn dia. ini malah aku yg ditelp (setelah sekian hari gak ada komunikasi). Dan ini udah yg kesekian kali juga. Trus aku jg bgng mau nanya apa, paling yg standar2 aja (apa kabarnya & lagi ngapain). Dah gitu udah mingkem, bingung mau ngmg apa. Kesannya ini anak sombong bener. sama calon mertua gak ada ba-bi-bu nya.

I know that just by being yourself isnt good enough. Because this yourself you’re setting on, might be open to a lot of deffects. Like this communicating, self-centered, ignorant deffects I got. I know I have to fix them. But I also feel like I am unaccepted the way i am ( ya eyalah, namanya jg koreksi ya ). AKu ya ngene iki wonge, can I ever fix them? Even if I could, how long it would last?? Aku ngerasa I have failed being somebody people want me to be. Dan bukan sembarang people ya, tp my close ones. Klo sembarang people mah bodo amat.

I cant be what they want me to be Jadi inget saran-setengah-memaksa nya tante ku yg satunya, utk nyuruh aku ambil S2. I rejected many times, dengan alasan gak enak ngabis2in duit tante. Tapi aslinya ya karena aku jg males belajar lagi, males ujian lagi, MALES is the big word. Lagi2 aku gak bs memenuhi harapan dia, dan harapan mamaku jg yg juga setengah-mencuci-otak-setengah-ngomel insist utk aku kuliah lagi. Mengecewakan