Mo membahas apa aja yah, lupa… Padahal tadi topik2 begitu penuhnya di kepala…

Sunday, 10 February 2007, 11.00 AM, Arion Mall’s McDonald. Kita (aku dan Den) ketemuan sama temen kantor lamanya Den, Carla. I think she used to be a pretty close friend of Den (and I hope still is), so I gotta meet her. Oh and not to mention, also because she is one of a very few commentor on this very blog of mine

So we met. She wore a cute hat (where did you get that??), and a lovely flowery casual dress that I think I would not fit so greatly into, unfortunately.

She was quite different compared to her pictures. She was very beautiful. When I said that to Den, he just laughed and said smth like “Whaat?” (sorry Carla, you know how he is like). But nevermind him, everybody else who meets you, would totally agree with my opinion. You rock!!!

The meeting lasted an hour later. I had to go to an Aqiqah invitation. Aqiqah is an event where you celebrate the birth of your new-born with feast. When I first got the invitation email, I thought Aqiqah was the name of the baby Okay, so the mother is a colleage of mine, and the baby’s name is Mika (the short of ‘Mikail’). I went there with some other colleagues.

I pretty much forgot what happened in-between, but I wanna leap back to today

I just had a choir session this evening, without Den, because he still had a lot of work loads to do. I can’t say I’m a good singer (because I’m obviously not), but I think I have improved a lot compared to my first sessions 4 years ago wkwkwkwk I’m comparing irrelevantly Oh well, that was just a self-cheering-up, no problems with that right? *mumbles, mumbles*

Anyway what was interesting, despite of the beautiful songs about Christ’s salvation, was what I thought about the tenor soloist. He actually had a pretty good voice, but he sang it flat, I mean like pop-singing style. How do you say this… hmmm… you know, the voice you use when you speak, that kinda flatness. While to sing in choirs means you must sing with Pavarotti style or smth like that. You do get what I’m saying, right? Soo this soloist guy, couldn’t yet sing like that (I couldn’t do it fluently also, but I wasn’t the soloist, so the attention wont be laid upon me :D), but I think he already got a very nice and high flat basic voice, he just needed a few trainings. However, that kind of performance still did trigger some other unsatisfied thoughts. Like after the session, an older male singer said “we’ll be performing soon, yet the soloist was still chillin’ around, hadn’t practice much yet” (judging from the flatty voice). I was thinking like “hell no.. I bet he practiced a lot, because he’s obviously improving since his last sessions with us. Yes, it was still flat, but better.”

The point of the story is, I am staggered how some people could be so unsatisfied of other’s effort. I’ve been thinking about this lately, because I ran into a person that happens to be a true believer of this unsatisfactorial thingy. Once I was like this person, well maybe not too much. I expected people around me to behave, and think, and act as I wanted them to (of course I wasn’t trying to be a puppet master or smth, all my expectations were normal). I also used to criticize a lot of people’s performance. But then I asked myself, why the hell do I keep blabbing about their defects? Can I do it better than them? I might even not be able to do it at all, or not even close. I think they deserve compliments for all their efforts and tryouts. I think they deserve second chances, and the relief of knowing that everything in this world being not a single-shot matter was not only a make-belief.

And I think these criticizing, compliment-cheap, and not-easily-satisfied habits aren’t a very good thing, they’re discouraging. It’s okay to expect others to fulfill our standards, but only if we’re sure they make sense and are achievable, and don’t forget to give them a break

…
Did you learn anything cause in the world today
You can’t live in a castle far away
Now talk to me, come talk to me
…

kalo ada yg nanya kenapa mesti castle? dasar glamor. ya udah aku tambahin shack biar miris. happy now? penekanannya ada pada kata far away nya kok :))

I…so suck at communicating. Aku tuh model2nya orang yg kalo ada tamu dateng ke rumah, kabur ke loteng, karena males ngomong. Aku serumah sama tante om ku pun, aku jarang banget ngomong sm mereka. Dalam bbrp hari berturut2 belum tentu aku ngmg sepatah kata pun, termasuk mereka jg gitu ke aku. Kebanyakan sih karena jarang ketemu dan sekalinya ketemu pun cuma selintas doang, ato gak ada bahan pembicaraan. Aku model orang yg kalo senyum sama orang cuma sbg aksesori, daripada dituduh jutek.

Sebenernya bukannya mau menjauhkan diri ato sok, krn sbnrnya aku jg super cerewet bagi beberapa orang. Tapi ke sebagian orang lainnya, emg susah banget mau ngomong. Ngomong apa yah?? Basa basi apa yah? Gak ada topik, membingungkan.

Bbrp hari lalu, ponakannya om dateng ke rumah, namanya Stefan seumuran aku kyknya. Orangnya modelnya ceria, friendly, loving. Begitu tante om dateng, langsung dipelukin n diciumin ama dia. Aku jd mikir… tante om pasti seneng banget ada yg nunjukkin kasih sayang n perhatian begitu, secara smua anaknya (2 orang) ada di luar negri masuk seminari (utk jadi pastur), pasti mereka kesepian banget. Dan bukannya aku blm pernah mikirin itu jg, ya aku tau… I wish I could be like Stefan. Loving and caring and so warm towards others, mgkn keponakan spt itu yg diharapkan om n tante yg tinggal di rumah mereka, instead of somebody so cold, awkward, and wordless like me.

Trus tadi pagi juga, mamanya Den telp. hhh aku keduluan. Seharusnya aku dong yg lbh berusaha utk seek communication dgn dia. ini malah aku yg ditelp (setelah sekian hari gak ada komunikasi). Dan ini udah yg kesekian kali juga. Trus aku jg bgng mau nanya apa, paling yg standar2 aja (apa kabarnya & lagi ngapain). Dah gitu udah mingkem, bingung mau ngmg apa. Kesannya ini anak sombong bener. sama calon mertua gak ada ba-bi-bu nya.

I know that just by being yourself isnt good enough. Because this yourself you’re setting on, might be open to a lot of deffects. Like this communicating, self-centered, ignorant deffects I got. I know I have to fix them. But I also feel like I am unaccepted the way i am ( ya eyalah, namanya jg koreksi ya :D). AKu ya ngene iki wonge, can I ever fix them? Even if I could, how long it would last?? Aku ngerasa I have failed being somebody people want me to be. Dan bukan sembarang people ya, tp my close ones. Klo sembarang people mah bodo amat.

I cant be what they want me to be Jadi inget saran-setengah-memaksa nya tante ku yg satunya, utk nyuruh aku ambil S2. I rejected many times, dengan alasan gak enak ngabis2in duit tante. Tapi aslinya ya karena aku jg males belajar lagi, males ujian lagi, MALES is the big word. Lagi2 aku gak bs memenuhi harapan dia, dan harapan mamaku jg yg juga setengah-mencuci-otak-setengah-ngomel insist utk aku kuliah lagi. Mengecewakan

Today, after some quite tricky moves, I got in this bus quite easy (tanpa dorongan2 kasar dari orang2 yg gak sabar mau naik bus). I looked at the flood of people waiting on a side, and I thought I wouldn’t get no chance sitting if I waited along with them. So I took another waiting route.

The bus I took quite rocked :D. It sped up on the busway track, but it also approaches the sidewalks on red lights. On Pancoran, some people took off the bus, and just few meters away (just right after Pancoran red light), a man tried to stop the bus again. The driver was like what the..?? but stopped anyway, he said something interesting: “Sir, this is Jakarta. Everybody’s livin’ it hard here. Just walking few meters won’t black you out!”

I so agree.

Then on Hero Kuningan, the same thing (or worse, in term of shorter range) happened again. But this time, the driver didn’t bother to say anything. I was just wow. I can understand, and I would be as (or more) upset if I was the driver.

There are few things you need to know when you take public bus (especially the ones non-air conditioned):

• Don’t be too lazy walking. If the bus stopped not very far from your stopping point, just get off! Because the bus might not want to stop again if it was just few meters away.
• If it isn’t very crowded, DO NOT stand near the bus doors. The bus men hate that! You are blocking their (and other people’s) way! If you notice, Kernet tends to hop in and off the bus almost all the time to grab passengers. So don’t stand in their way.
• Do not stand AT ALL if there are empty seats. Bus men also hate that. Because passengers-to-be outside might not want to take the bus if they see people standing, they will think the bus is full (which it actually isn’t).

Those small summaries of donts actually make sense (and not very hard to comply also). If you put your booty on the bus men seats, you will understand

Knp skrg rasanya lose contact sm Phanie yah… bkn cm contact doang sih, tp relationshipnya jg. Sms cm nanya2 sekilas2 segelintir tok, ketemu barely ever. Dia di Karawang aku di Jakarta. Padahal she once was my dearest bestfriend. Can we still be called bestfriends now if we hardly contact each other? But I will always be there for her if she needs me.

Sama Yun sih belakangan malah jadi sering kontak (baca: SMS) lagi. Padahal wkt dulu dia kul di Bandung, dia kyk udh take off ke planet laen aja (berlebihan mode on). Superjarang SMS apalagi ketemu. Tp skrg dia udh lulus n udh balik Karawang, sering onlen pula. I hope she’s okay and not serious about messing around with something she told me she did.

Mel jg tmn deketku apalagi sejak kelas 3 SMA kita sebangku n kul jg bareng, sering nginep di kos2an dia hehehe… Gak pernah kontak jg skrg @_@

I miss you guyyssssss :((

Searah jarum jam: Phanie, Fera, Ema, Mel, me, n Was. After Titin’s wedding, at Phanie’s room. We behaved a bit, no smackdowns here

Dari segi salary jg, not so bad utk ukuranku, yg notabene gak ada pengalaman programmer. Sempet mikir jg sih masuk sini, krn pakenya proprietary framework, berarti aku hrs belajar dari nol lagi (ya iya gituu hehe), dan saat aku meninggalkan company ini nantinya, pengalaman programmingku di kantor ini gak akan bs dipake di tempat lain (karena proprietary stuff itu tadi).

Tapi toh akhirnya aku msk juga. Dan tidak menyesalinya sampai… sampai skrg jg gak menyesal sih… hehe.. krn namanya jg butuh duit.

Cuma memang, kantor ini tidak spt keliatannya dulu lagi. oh fasilitas mewah itu masih ada di kantor pusat (skrg aku di klien), dan mmg masih terbawa sih beberapa sampe ke kantor klien ini, at least pc ku yg keren itu masih aku pake hehehe.

Beberapa hal mulai terungkap pelan-pelan. Seiring dgn itu, pemikiran negatifku juga tumbuh subur bak disiram air daging. Aku tau ini gak wise. Knp sih aku gak bisa ky Den, yg gak take any fuss kantornya yg suka telat bayar gaji karyawan, yg hampir gak pernah ada outing, yang ini yang itu. Aku kok gak bisa sediem n sebijaksana itu, gak bisa secool itu, selalu kebawa emosi. Aku nuntutnya keadilan terus. Aku maunya I work good, you pay good. Aku males2an kerja kalo aku gak dihargai, hak2ku gak dipenuhi, ky di kantor lama. Performance-ku jd merosot jauh deh… Aku tau ini jg gak bagus impactnya buat ke diriku sendiri. Tp pokoknya jadi aku males. Aku pengennya yg adil2.

Aku lupa bahwa, di dunia bisnis ini gak ada yg namanya adil. Adil itu jarang banget. Karena itu aku suka uring2an n sebel ama bos2 yg menyebalkan, krn mereka gak adil. Disini terulang lagi (at least begitulah yg kulihat dari kacamata negatifku), apa buntut2nya aku akan resign lg krn makan ati? Kyknya gak mungkin karena aku msh butuh duitnya. Worst case is, aku terlalu bertingkah lalu dipecat. Well, kalo dipecat msh dpt pesangon, masih lumayan. Kalo ngga? hehehehe

Skrg ada dua arus di otakku. Arus yg pengen melawan balik kesemena2an bos2 yg menurutku terlalu rese itu, dan arus yg menyuruhku utk calm down a bit. I know which to choose, tp masih sering kesel jg.

Bagi teman2 kantorku yg kebetulan baca blogku ini, please feel free to put your comments.

This is the pic Mbak Een took:

Aww so sweet isn’t it?

The sweetness turned into my scream of shock when she managed to grab my boobs afterwards. I forgot how my grandma could be quite sexually oriented sometimes lol tangannya culamitan hehehe

Some live for the bill
Some kill for the bill
She wined for the bill
Grind for the bill
(and she used to be the sweetest girl)
Some steal for the bill, if they got to pay they bill
(and she used to be the sweetest girl)

High School she was
That girl that make me do the hula hoop around the gym
(Just to get a peek again, she’s a 10)
High School she was
That girl that make me do the hula hoop around the gym
(Just to get a peek again, she’s a 10)
Never thought that she would come and work for the president
Mr. George Washington (where my money at?)
She thought he’d call (where my money at?)
She had a good day, bad day, sunny day, rainy day
All he wanna know is (where my money at?)
Closed legs don’t get fed, go out there and make my bread
All he wanna know is (where my money at?)
She ended up in a roll call, bruised up, scarred hard
All he wanna know is (where my money at?)
She thought he’d call (where my money at?)

…

See I’mma tell you like Wu told me
Cash Rules everything around me
Singin’ dollar dollar bill yall (dollar, dollar bill yall)
Singin’ dollar dollar bill yall(dollar, dollar bill yall)
See I’mma tell you like Wu told me
Cash Rules everything around me
Singin’ dollar dollar bill yall (dollar, dollar bill yall)
Singin’ dollar dollar bill yall (dollar, dollar bill yall)

Money, money-money-money
Money, money-money-money
It Drives The World Crazy, we’re crazy
She used to be (she used to be the sweetest girl)

Hmm money. Who can live without ‘em? This song describes what people would do for money. And I dont necessarily blame them. A lot of people sell themselves for money, and I think it’s completely understandable. If you cant understand it, it means you have never been in deep s**t. And wow, good for you. Just next time, if you start to despise somebody on the street, think again. They’re just trying to live on.

I love money a lot, especially when we have a lot of seemed-to-be-never-ending debts we have to pay. This make me feel hopeless, all my future plans are running away from me. I don’t know how my big sister handles this. But it seems like this kind of stuff always approaches every time we found an improvement of living.

However, I definitely still am very grateful, because I’m in no position where cash rules all of my everything yet. I am still clean from doing weird stuff for money. And I still got a lot of help and support from people around me, thx to the Lord.

Rasanya kok jauh banget…

Lgsg aku nyaut, “Is that a problem?”

In fact, aku sendiri sbnrnya berpikir, yes it is a problem. Bgmn bisa ada relatif meninggal tp kita gak berduka? Merasa bersalah jadinya. Merasa bersalah karena tekanan kultur? Ato merasa bersalah karena memang I am supposed to miss her?

Mungkin krn emak dan aku gak deket?

Jd membuatku berpikir, apa dia pernah merasa dekat sama siapapun selama hidupnya? Kasian dia itu hidupnya susah terus… Dapet suami gila, punya anak2 gak akur, miskin lagi. Kurang perhatian. 70 tahun hidup yg gak tentram, gak kebayang kayak apa rasanya. Mungkin itu alasan di balik smua sikapnya yg menyulitkan selama sakit kemaren, gak mau makan, gak bisa tenang, ga mau ndengerin, dll

Sbenernya ada 1 kesalahan plg besar yg aku merasa ikut bertanggung jawab, dia blm kenal Tuhan. Harusnya keluarganya dong yg memperkenalkan dia. Tp gw gak bisa payah

Jadi ceritanya baju ini mau aku jual lagi gitu…

Ini gambar dari ebay:

Dan ini aslinya (yg sudah tiba di rumahku):

Tampak Depan:

Tampak Belakang:

Bust size = 30″ - 32.5″

Facts you need to know before buying it from me:

1. Baju ini baguss bgt modelnya (menurutku :P), n gak ada noda2 ato apa gitu, warnanya putih bersihh. Tapi jaitan manik2nya (yg di bagian dada) agak fragile kayaknya…
2. Baju ini agak transparan, terutama bagian paha kebawah (bagian dadanya agak transparan jg, tapi bagian tengahnya sih nggak begitu karena ketutupan layer2). Tapi kalo dipake di bawah terang lampu dlm ruangan (yg gak begitu terang spt kalo pagi/siang), gak begitu keliatan sih efek transparannya. Utk yg khawatir dengan efek sheer-nya, pake daleman lagi aja…
3. Baju ini baru kucoba 2 kali, belum pernah dipake keluar sama sekali. Pertama nyoba.. hmppf kok agak sempit ya.., terus malemnya coba skali lagi karena gak percaya kalo bajunya kesempitan Ternyata memang sempit Bawahnya sih lumayan longgar, bagian atasnya yg kesempitan.

Aku beli dari ebay dgn harga total $16.99 USD, (harga final bidding + ongkos kirim), klik disini utk link ke deskripsi dan harga baju yang kubeli dari ebay ini. Nah disini aku jual lagi dengan harga Rp 120.000 aja (termasuk ongkos kirim pake tiki). Terima kirim kemana aja asal masih di Indonesia hehehe…

Yang berminat silakan sms/telp ke 081319297123, atau post reply disini juga bisa. Thanks.